Things every guy should know how to do

Make a mean breakfast

 Every man needs to learn how to make breakfast for one very reason. If you want that chick you hooked up with the night before to come back, you need to either a) be stellar in the sack or b) cook the most incredible breakfast ever. We’ll guess you’re no Peter North, so, throw on an apron and fry up some bacon and eggs buddy.

 

Upgrade at a hotel

 In the service industry, a “Benjamin” can go a long way. This applies, not only at the local strip club, but when you’re trying to get an upgrade at a hotel. Being casual about it is your best bet. As you slip them a credit card, stick the bill underneath and give the receptionist (hopefully a nice young lady) your best smile. You’d be surprised how often this works.

Make a drink

 A few shoots of smooth liquor, a splash of juice and a lime wedge is all it takes for a solid drink. Nothing fancy, pretty straightforward and to the point. Once you start tossing around bottles and mixing stuff you have no idea about, yea, that’s when you’re asking for trouble.

Talk your way out of a traffic ticket

 George Washington once stood underneath the cherry tree and uttered, “I cannot tell a lie”. Well, luckily for good ol Georgie, he never had to to talk himself out of a traffic ticket before. Beg, borrow, cheat, re-enact an event–anything it takes to avoid a $200 fine and taking it up the rear from your insurance company.

Rally after a big night of drinking

 Everybody seems to have their own hangover remedy–a cup of coffee, a Gatorade with two Advil, perhaps some Chaser. Everybody’s body reacts to booze in different ways. What I can tell you is this…man up. If you need some caffeine, brew a whole pot. If you need to hydrate, hook an IV into your arm. Just get through the first few hours and worry about that raging headache later on.

 

Iron a shirt
 You can’t always expect your wife or girlfriend to be around. Same goes for the local dry cleaners. If you spend any time traveling whatsoever, you’ll know that a shirt will get wrinkled in your luggage. Instead of looking like a slob, grab the hotel ironing board and start moving and grooving. Toss a little starch on those collars too.

 

Shine your shoes

 You’re supposed to look your best from your head all the way down to your toe. So while most men may actually think your hair says a lot about you, a scuffed-up dull shoe has the same effect.

 

Parallel park

 Those who live in the country will rarely have to face this task. However, if you live in an urban setting, parallel parking is a must. Generally, it’s a matter of time and patience, something most men seem to lack behind the wheel. Fellas, you don’t need to do it on the first time, if it takes you two or three runs at it, no biggie. Just get the job done.

 

Paddle a canoe/kayak

 You’d be amazed at how many people can’t perform something as simple as sticking an oar into the water. Listen very carefully, because I’m only going to pass on my wisdom only once. If you want to turn right, stick your paddle on the left side of the boat, if you want to turn left, stick your paddle on the right side. That’s some aquatic knowledge right there.

Choose a scotch/whiskey

 Age, region and blend are the three most important factors in choosing a quality scotch. In general, if it is not at least ten years old, it’s not worth your time. A single malt is certainly preferred, but you’ll have to dish out a few extra bucks for it. And yea, if you get a chance, try one from the Islay island region. The taste is a bit smokier than others but the strong flavor is worth it.

 

Haggle for a lower price

 “Never accept the first price” is something that’s hammered home to every young man by their father. This doesn’t necessarily mean you pretend you’re an Arab merchant and haggle at the local grocery store. But anything north of $100 bucks, in my opinion, is fair game.

 

Pour a beer

 Perhaps nothing is more annoying than waiting for a frosty one at a bar and having one delivered full of foam. This isn’t rocket science people and you certainly don’t have to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail to figure it out. Tip the glass slightly as you pour that brewed delight. And yes, this is the only time in your life where it’s acceptable to give head.

 

Cast a fishing rod

 As a kid, it was acceptable to drop your tiny fishing rod off the dock and say “Here…fishy, fishy, fishy”. But as you get older, you’re actually going to have to cast slightly further than two feet beyond the pier. That is, unless you want to watch catch Sunfish and Bluegill your whole life.

 

Erect a tent

 The first time you erect a tent, naturally, it’s going to be confusing. You may even get frustrated to the point where you’ll never camp again. Take a deep breath, find some level ground and pound those stakes down. Work your way from there and you’ll find things a bit easier.

 

Jump-start a car

 Every guy has a friend whose car is in shambles–stalls at red lights, a bad transmission, and of course, a crappy battery. Don’t be the person standing around when the jumper cables come out, lend a helping hand–positive to positive (red to red) and make sure to ground that sucker. Otherwise, you’ll have a catastrophe on your hands.

 

Pick-up a woman with a one-liner

 “Is that a keg in your pants…because I’d like to tap that”. Regretfully, that line has not worked for me nor any other man since the Cro-Magnon days. But a first impression is indeed important when it comes to picking up women. A cheesy line gets you a drink in your face, a smooth one gets you in her pants. Your move Casanova.

 

Throw a punch without looking like a sissy

 Inevitably, at least once in your life, you’ll find yourself in a situation where the fists of fury are required. There’s no need to panic, especially if you haven’t been in a fight before. The absolute worst thing you can do is open up your hand and bitch-slap someone or throw a wild haymaker like a girl. Compose yourself, rotate your fist and drive with your hips. A word to the wise, a straight punch to someone’s nose can get you out of a hairy situation pretty quickly.

 

Bong a beer

 We’re certainly not asking that you relive your college days or go Old School on the masses. Nevertheless, at a tailgate with your buddies, when that beer bong makes an appearance, go Frank the Tank on it. “It just tastes so good when it hits your lips”.

 

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Comments

[D]

So the guy (presumed straight or wannabe straight) that made this list is a lush who likes to drive his old beater to the woods to camp out, fish and beat someone up when he gets sauced.

No thanks.